What Causes Infidelity?
What is infidelity?
“The infidelity is not in the sex, but in the secrecy. It isn’t who you lie with, it’s who you lie to.” Frank Pittman
Infidelity is the betrayal in a relationship that takes form as mostly an emotional or physical affair with another person. Infidelity is traumatic for relationships because of the betrayal that is involved.
Have you wondered if your relationship is at risk for infidelity? The number one cause of infidelity for both genders is relationship dissatisfaction. *Please note: this is not the only cause of infidelity. Other causes are: individual personality or mental health, substance use, addiction, job stress, etc. This blog post will focus on relationship dissatisfaction.
Infidelity is a symptom of being in a relationship that is causing unhappiness. Instead of turning towards their partners and expressing their unhappiness, some individuals turn away and go to another person. It’s important to know that although relationship dissatisfaction is the number one cause for infidelity, this does not give the person who engaged in infidelity a pass. Communication of unmet needs should be the first action taken in a relationship.
Pain Pursues Pleasure
It can feel suffocating when going home to feelings of tension or emotional disconnect with your partner. This creates internal pain and individual anxiety or depression. This internal pain, like all pain, needs a release. Just like when we have a headache, we grab a Tylenol to feel better. Emotional pain and anguish also need a place to go. And if communicating with your partner is difficult, opening up and being vulnerable is the last thing you want to do. Maybe you’re thinking, “if I tell her I’m unhappy, she’s going to feel anger and it’s going to cause a huge blow up.” This thinking then causes you to repress your emotions. But they’re still circulating inside building up with no outlet. So then maybe you’ve been spending a lot of time with someone at work, and this connection is just the feeling you’ve been craving, and before you know it, physical or emotional intimacy has started. It can happen just like that. It’s not something people are out searching for intentionally. They find themselves having an affair and also wonder (just like their partner), how did this happen?
Relationship Risk Factors
Communication
It’s important to note that communication in and of itself is something to pay attention to in your relationship. Specifically: is there a lack of communication? A lot of couples misinterpret arguing with their spouse as bad communication. This isn’t necessarily the case. It’s not that arguing itself is “bad,” it’s how you’re arguing. A warning sign in the relationship is when disagreements are not taking place, because this means you’re not communicating with each other about your thoughts and feelings. If one or both partners are not maintaining open dialogue in regards to their thoughts and feelings about the relationship or individual happiness in general, this is going to cause distance in the relationship. Both partners have no idea what’s going on in each other’s worlds, and this can lead to a lot of mindreading. And if you’re unable to mindread (side note: no matter how well you think you know your partner, you can’t read their mind), you’re going to be filling in the gaps with your own thoughts. A reliant on your own narrative to asses the status of your relationship is not sustainable in maintaining connection in the relationship.
Emotional Disengagement
Loneliness is something that both partners can feel as a result of emotional disengagement in the relationship. Emotional disengagement is when one or both partners are shutting down, not showing or expressing emotions/thoughts/feelings, or investing time or energy into the relationship. This can happen in child centered or work centered relationships. Child or work centered relationships involve the primary focus being on the child or work, causing your partner to be put on the back burner. This can feel isolating and bring up feelings of rejection and exclusion. Technoference (coined by Brandon McDaniel) is another way couples are commonly disengaging from one another in today’s society. Technoference is the usage of cell phones or other forms of technology that takes away time that could be spent with your partner. It’s that feeling when you see your partner engulfed in their phone on the couch when you’re hoping for some quality time together.
Negative Sentiment Override
Robert Weiss coined the term Negative Sentiment Override; which is when one or both partners perceive interactions to be negative, despite evidence of the contrary. This can look like no matter what you say to your partner, it’s commonly met with defensiveness, shutting down, sarcasm, not listening, or argumentative responses. It can also be compared to a glass half empty mindset. Positive sentiment override on the other hand is seen early on in the “honeymoon” phase. Remember when you would let the small things go? You looked at your interactions through the glass half full lens, with more optimism and believing your partner had the best of intentions.
Negative Sentiment Override happens over time. Negative interactions throughout the course of a relationship cause resentment, which can cause you to view your partner through the lens of past hurts opposed to how they are showing up presently. Dr. John Gottman developed the concept of an emotional bank account. Each time you meet your partner with positivity, openness, kindness and listen to their thoughts and feelings, you put a deposit into your relationship emotional bank account. Conversely, each time you meet your partner with criticism, put downs, hostile tone, yelling, sarcasm, interrupting, turning away from connection, you make a withdrawal from your relationship emotional bank account. Over time, if you are making more withdrawals than deposits this turns into resentment and disengagement, causing your partner to not trust your intentions or interactions; therefore viewing you in a negative light and creating more distance in the relationship.
Can Couples Counseling Help My Relationship?
Above are only some of the relationship risk factors that can cause infidelity to take place. While working with a couples therapist, you can identify what areas specific to your relationship need to be repaired to get your relationship back on track. Couples therapy can help relationships overcome infidelity by rebuilding trust and working on forgiveness. This takes time, but if you put in the work you could be able to say your relationship has healed from infidelity. It’s also important to note that if you or your partner are experiencing relationship dissatisfaction, this doesn’t mean you or your partner will engage in infidelity. If you feel there is room for improvement in your relationship, couples counseling can help get you there. When your relationships are in a good place, you’re in a good place. When you’re in a good place, your children, work, and friendships are all also in a good place. There is a ripple effect that takes place when in an unhappy relationship. A licensed Marriage and Family Therapist has the training and tools to guide your relationship through the process of what it takes to restore communication, trust, and emotional attunement.
Angela Tarantino, Licensed Counselor and Marriage and Family Therapist
Book your free consult to see if couples counseling can help your relationship.